we are back

a weeklong journey to northern california to witness my littlest sister be married to a sweet boy. it was a long drive there and a longer one back...im happy to be home but i do miss my family. it was a real treat to be there with all of us in the same sweet vacation rental...

the grom discovered this blog on my iphone and read back further than i'd thought i'd written. it was probably a little disturbing to her, but i do hope she (yeah, you.) also read the dates on the entries and realized that i have come at least a little way from that time and mentality.

much to say, as always. but very tired.

stay tuned for caffeine fueled rundown of the trip.

fresh air?

dear blog,

it has been long enough since ive entered:

for me to have accepted the word 'blog'
for me to have quit the job as the bartender and become an at home mama
for me to have survived that miscarriage, have a baby boy (now 2), then two more miscarriages and another baby, this time a girl (3 months)!
for me to now have a teenage daughter
for me to have come to an almost even keel with the booze, individual moments of digression notwithstanding, of course
for me to have celebrated my fifth year of marriage
for our cat to die, our other cat to disappear, our new cat to kill about six billion yard animals and our dog to get very fat
for my daughter to have started her own blog
for me to have ceased communication with my crazy mother, AND to have resumed said communication after nearly a year of (sweet) silent brooding...

and many, many other things that are awesome, rad and tubular.

i claim you, ol bloggy blog, to be the recordings of these family days...enough with the endless introspective prattle that ive driven into the ground on repeat for years...nevermind me! im merely a vessel* to transpose the dailies of these three little dude/ttes in my life...

let the spouting begin!

mucho besos,

becks

* this is also brought on by said blogging daughter's accusation that i do not have a creative bone in my body with reference to my writing skill. eh, we'll call it a challenge. lord knows i love one of those.

being followed from room to room by three animals is kind of cool. like my little entourage. occasionally marin joins in and then im really ridin' dirty.

i think they are worried about me. i do not blame them. i am listless, unamused. this isn't constant, but often.

time will care for this. and the hour of laying prone on my floor, reading hugh prather and petting cat tails and dog snouts proved to be unexpectedly comforting. quiet and then a passing shower of tears. a glass of ice water, the breeze from the fan. all cushion my disappointment. the only life i have is right now.

the weather has been ruthless yet gorgeous. high desert clouds painted on a cerulean canvas. but the butter has melted into a pool of faded yellow and the water from the jug on the counter is warm as the gulf of mexico.

stupid air conditioners. i have acclimated to the heat, and slept this afternoon pointed crossways in our bed, felt the pools of sweat begin to soak the knees of my shorts and the back of my tshirt and it was somewhat relaxing. i was so grateful to just sleep.

gratefully, i have made a few good choices namely marrying lucas and not shipping marin off to the circus. they are kind and their kisses are soft and they really do just radiate off of my energy. if i am sullen, they bicker nervously and hypercritically, if i brighten up and begin joking...the mood itself transforms and they smile and relax. i should feel so lucky for this, but right now it almost drains me more. to have nowhere for this grief to expend i steal minutes of relief and solace in a hug from the dog. hiding my tears from even him.

i know this will get better. i know all of the recorded cliche of for the best. i know all of this. so at least there's that. all i have is now. that keeps the fear of the next step at bay.

san pelligrino has become my new best friend, edging out champagne by a smidge. i thought about alcohol a lot, turned to it the minute crisis peaked and was quickly reminded of our impossible relationship complete with angry four o clock in the morning phone calls and cutting my finger trying to hack a lime in two and forgetting the ugly things i say. and the splitting headache and subsequent guilt and shame.

add that to the already shitcake reality and shake a couple jimmy's on top. mmmm mmmm.

and then there was sunday. and the dodger's. and kick ass seats and even getting to see a fangirl sprint across the field, dodge a batallion of security guards, get to first base (which was only...fifteen feet away, mind) and then get taken to the ground by her neck and carried off the field, in hogtie fashion...

and now we are at today. preparing for the extraction. anxiously awaiting a procedure and hopefully waking up with as little pain as possible, but dude...please let me wake up.

things will be different from now on. alcohol is no longer a friend to me, it drives into me and leaves gaping trails of distruction and i dont remember them, even when they loom to repeat on the horizon.

i will face all of this with conciousness intact. for my family.

becky*

dear blastocyte,

either you're in or you're out, k? im having a helluva time here wondering if you're gonna pull through and sit it out with the rest of us...

hopefully this appointment to withdraw several HUNDRED pints more of my plasma will indicate such.

in bed resting,

mom

it nearly always happens like this...all of the sudden. BAM. summer's on its way out. i hope i adhere to my strict regime of hitting the beach once each week until fall. i hope we really go camping. maybe early fall? that sounds nice, actually...

and then its my birthday again. big three one. this time with a bun in the oven and no plan as of yet.

im thinking i'll spend my bartab on the spa. thats a good buck fitty plus that i could spend on having endless amounts of pampering applied to my pregnant body.

oh pregnancy.

such a long time, you are.

becky*

ah so we move into our next stage of marriagedom. the incubating and hatching of an offspring.

boy howdy how time doth fly.

of course, im thrilled and overjoyed and only slightly concerned with the extreme lack of champagne and coffee in my future...i know, but dude. its summertime! im going to a beach party and not going to be knackered off my nut.

i suppose however that i'll be basking and glowing in all my motherly glory.

amen. hallelujah. the pipes still work!

so far the only thing ive noticed is that i cant imagine eating a pinto bean. grosses me right the hell out.

now peaches. peaches are a whole new story, bucko.

yay baby.

becky*