days off, good things.

woke up cantankerous and mean. had coffee. cried. prayed. did the right thing. felt better.

imagine that.

got to swim and also jacuzzi with the grom this evening. and now im going to make crab legs and grilled veggies and salad and love up my family and get ready to work tomorrow w/o feeling resentful. cuz work means money and work also means days off like this.

the friggin housekeeper didnt come today which means i'll have to do it. the horror! one week and already im spoiled? geez.

in other news, i have a new muscle in my thigh that really kinda scared me at first. its pretty pronounced and can probably be atributed to all the up and down hill action ive been getting lately...but at first i thought. oh god. my conjoined twin's finally emerging!

i think i will name him herbert.

with herbert's arrival, i have found myself even MORE inspired to walk/swim/not ingest all and every nearby grease imbalmed/alcoholic/gravy soaked/etc objects and to rather fuel myself with goodness and light.

like a mutha truckin' angel, here. pluck pluck.

ok. im off to be grateful some more.

oh yah, and we're hot on the landcunt's trail and i think she's scared.

becky*

our previous landlords took almost ninety percent of our deposit for outrageous reasons.

they will be sued.

as for now, broke city.

but i did manage to snag some seriously sweet concert tix for the hubs' birthday bonanza.

becky*

lucas is applying for jobs. big paying jobs. he's also seeking health insurance. you know, for us. the family. the family that is to be growing, so it seems.

damn breeders bringin' they spawn near my hubs. as much as i would love to have a baby with this man...i just cant get past the whole parasitic aspect of pregnancy/nursing.

i mean, at one point in my life...hell yah! what a gift! what a magical thing!

now?

im nearly slightly skeeved out by the thought of kicks in the tum and stretched out, milky nipples.

sigh.

best of both worlds, i think not.

but then i also think...hmm...knowing EXACTLY what im gonna do for NINE WHOLE MONTHS? sign me the eff up. mama needs a little focus roun' heah.

in other news, i have a bad self tan (still), i got some fantabulous birthday plans on the horizon for hubster, and as of today...i have a gazillion rubbers for which to impede the impending breed sess hubs has planned.

i should prolly walk the hound before he shits someplace.

becky*

this summer i will show movies in my backyard on white bedsheets and serve compatible snacks to movie titles...

like the breakfast club
the bueller kruller
ed macarooney torte
the scarface al capacino - har.

anyways.

sounds like fun.

becky*

i suppose i should document the level of goodness i felt today on a number of occasions. these immediate and all encompassing feelings of love. and this was before my coffee, thank you. just pure exhilaration and joy.

manic moment? maybe. (3 m's!) lord knows i am prone to extreme feelings...but.

as the hubs busily worked on changing the locks on all our doors with his sexy tool of power...and i cooked and cleaned and sighed out of my glorious kitchen window thinking...this is it. that which i have dreamed of for years...finally in a house that just do not want to leave ever, unless its to walk the hound up and down these lovely hills...i felt SO GOOD.

when we talked, and he revealed, and i comiserated or supported or gasped or laughed in all the right places...when our conversation just clicked and we mutually enjoyed one another's company...after almost eight years. well, i mean. thats love. thats exciting!

all of this after a nightmare about him having an affair with some chick. in my dream i had his phone in my hand just when an instant message beeped through from the screen name 'twosome'...and it said...see you soon. i love you.

from there it spiralled into the vivid hell that only my dreammind can create...and the emotional hurt it laid on me carried over into open eyed moments...and i pulled away from him in anger and spite this morning...and he loved me close in his soothing way and understood and told me sorry even though he didnt really *do* anything wrong...and then good love. another morning full of heat and hedonism.

cant complain.

so yeah. i love this evolution of trust and compassion and compromise and support.

i love this man. i love that we're healing one another and growing together...and that i hope. i HOPE that we can continue this for years to come...that my wandering eyes and escapist heart and untrusting logic will not overcome.

and i know that is why i had that dream. to tell me just how HORRIBLE i would feel if he wanted to leave me...how fucked i would be if i had acted on that twinge of mischief i felt talking to that supercute boy at the bar last night...how i considered his lips...his kiss. how i disregarded hubs at home for long enough to want something new.

my head is keeping me in check for a change.

but only just.

this is where it is. this is where i am.

i want him to come home now.

becky*

oh maturity. gimme a friggin' break already.

i silently, inmyhead(zombie), threw a babyfit when i didnt get anything for ME at ikea just now.
just a record shelf. which is cool, really. but notforme. so i hate it.

and when i admitted that i tend to put myself last and then resent him for letting me...he grabbed my hand, told me i was beautiful and thanked me profusely for not throwing a fit as per usual.

flattery is good, and FREE!

i drank margaritas for the first time in ages and they just made me so damned sleeepy.

tomorrow the freeworld ends and i become ma again. this is good, but scheduley. i like not scheduley. dinner no lunch. sleep no alarm. so on and so forth.

i think i'll mark the end of this era with twenty laps in the pool.

work off somma this sweet and sour. ole.

becky*

i have this little black book in my purse. actually i have two. i thought, hey...i get a lot of ideas and im no longer stationed in front of a computer due to bartending...i should have something i can scribble into so i dont forget my caffeinated musings. that gets quite frustrating.

it comes in handy, mostly. i have decided to write a book about the patrons in my pub...when i imagine it, it seems like a worthy read. interestingly enough, there are quite a few characters which frequent that pub. as a bartender, you get to overhear some pretty noteworthy comments.

so yeah. ideas.

another journal? do i really need *three*?

i suppose if only to keep in touch with those who have migrated away from the usual sites i frequent. or something new to play with. something fresh and free of any past limitations or lameness...a clean slate to soil and sunder with my profuse worries and wonders.

kickass.

i hate the word blog tho.

becky*