being followed from room to room by three animals is kind of cool. like my little entourage. occasionally marin joins in and then im really ridin' dirty.

i think they are worried about me. i do not blame them. i am listless, unamused. this isn't constant, but often.

time will care for this. and the hour of laying prone on my floor, reading hugh prather and petting cat tails and dog snouts proved to be unexpectedly comforting. quiet and then a passing shower of tears. a glass of ice water, the breeze from the fan. all cushion my disappointment. the only life i have is right now.

the weather has been ruthless yet gorgeous. high desert clouds painted on a cerulean canvas. but the butter has melted into a pool of faded yellow and the water from the jug on the counter is warm as the gulf of mexico.

stupid air conditioners. i have acclimated to the heat, and slept this afternoon pointed crossways in our bed, felt the pools of sweat begin to soak the knees of my shorts and the back of my tshirt and it was somewhat relaxing. i was so grateful to just sleep.

gratefully, i have made a few good choices namely marrying lucas and not shipping marin off to the circus. they are kind and their kisses are soft and they really do just radiate off of my energy. if i am sullen, they bicker nervously and hypercritically, if i brighten up and begin joking...the mood itself transforms and they smile and relax. i should feel so lucky for this, but right now it almost drains me more. to have nowhere for this grief to expend i steal minutes of relief and solace in a hug from the dog. hiding my tears from even him.

i know this will get better. i know all of the recorded cliche of for the best. i know all of this. so at least there's that. all i have is now. that keeps the fear of the next step at bay.

san pelligrino has become my new best friend, edging out champagne by a smidge. i thought about alcohol a lot, turned to it the minute crisis peaked and was quickly reminded of our impossible relationship complete with angry four o clock in the morning phone calls and cutting my finger trying to hack a lime in two and forgetting the ugly things i say. and the splitting headache and subsequent guilt and shame.

add that to the already shitcake reality and shake a couple jimmy's on top. mmmm mmmm.

and then there was sunday. and the dodger's. and kick ass seats and even getting to see a fangirl sprint across the field, dodge a batallion of security guards, get to first base (which was only...fifteen feet away, mind) and then get taken to the ground by her neck and carried off the field, in hogtie fashion...

and now we are at today. preparing for the extraction. anxiously awaiting a procedure and hopefully waking up with as little pain as possible, but dude...please let me wake up.

things will be different from now on. alcohol is no longer a friend to me, it drives into me and leaves gaping trails of distruction and i dont remember them, even when they loom to repeat on the horizon.

i will face all of this with conciousness intact. for my family.

becky*

dear blastocyte,

either you're in or you're out, k? im having a helluva time here wondering if you're gonna pull through and sit it out with the rest of us...

hopefully this appointment to withdraw several HUNDRED pints more of my plasma will indicate such.

in bed resting,

mom

it nearly always happens like this...all of the sudden. BAM. summer's on its way out. i hope i adhere to my strict regime of hitting the beach once each week until fall. i hope we really go camping. maybe early fall? that sounds nice, actually...

and then its my birthday again. big three one. this time with a bun in the oven and no plan as of yet.

im thinking i'll spend my bartab on the spa. thats a good buck fitty plus that i could spend on having endless amounts of pampering applied to my pregnant body.

oh pregnancy.

such a long time, you are.

becky*

ah so we move into our next stage of marriagedom. the incubating and hatching of an offspring.

boy howdy how time doth fly.

of course, im thrilled and overjoyed and only slightly concerned with the extreme lack of champagne and coffee in my future...i know, but dude. its summertime! im going to a beach party and not going to be knackered off my nut.

i suppose however that i'll be basking and glowing in all my motherly glory.

amen. hallelujah. the pipes still work!

so far the only thing ive noticed is that i cant imagine eating a pinto bean. grosses me right the hell out.

now peaches. peaches are a whole new story, bucko.

yay baby.

becky*

yesterday we went to disneyland. normally, its any combination of lucas, marin, myself and a random friend thrown in. this time was the same, including some distant friends of ours and their three children - two being under five and one girl around marin's age.

i dont care too much for the couple, really...stemming back to an incident right around when lucas proposed and i was showing my ring...apparently she had gotten a ring like mine and "made dave take it back because it wasn't big enough"...uh uh, bitch. keep shit like that to yourself. of course, this is catty...but hey, im a chick. and fuck her.

anyways, it was nice to have another girl marin's age for her to cruise with.

in any case, it was an awesome day at the d. we stayed til it closed...meandered about mostly only riding a few rides...stopped in the grand cali lobby a few times for some cocktails, rode the water ride with the hubs and only got slightly doused...actually found healthy food to eat. good times.

slept like the dead on the way home. walked in to find that my dog had shat the map of the hawaiian islands on my floor.

i think i finally cracked while cleaning up kuai.

good times.

in other pet news, my kitty is sick. i hope its not the hiv.

he has an appt. tomorrow. keep your paws crossed.

becky*

im in a mood. today is my first day off in awhile, and its been like...satan's fart hot here (shuddup, austin) and ive been working in the pub that has an air condition big enough to cool...oh i dunno...a winnebago?

so today i slept WAY in, woke up, watched some tube with marin, toyed around with the dog and the grom on the carpet...dipped in the pool, swam a few laps and now im pretty sure i should be vacuuming or god forbid...unpacking? its only been four months and i have a room full of boxes that sit here full of crap i should probably just throw away considering their contents have been unneeded for this long...

but you know, i hate wasting a day off being productive. and i just feel so blah right now.

not sure exactly what i need to do to feel less frumpy. i really have no money to go shopping for new gear, and i think with my current set of emotions, dressing rooms would only ruin me further.

champagne aint doin it. perhaps its the location.

im guessing a forced trip to the beach for sunset is in order. gon' bring the hound, and the grom and hopefully the man if he'll actually come with me.

i guess i'll have a shower, do some primping, and then push for oceanside antics this evening.

sigh.

so hard not to go into paroxysms of schoolgirl envy which is the sponsorship for this month's hormonal tirade. i work with this wonderful girl. sirentastic lady who melts everyone in her path, including me. yes she's gorgeous. yes she's personable. yes she's immediately the center of attention...which is fine. i mean, i have a lot of that goin' on as well...

but does she have to fit into hot ass jeans and have enormously expensive fake boobs?

see, ew. im already annoying myself.

i mean, she friggin jogs daily, eats right, drinks light beer, snorts coke regularly...haha...good lord.

what a world.

i love la.

not.

becky*

comic i read today:

two welldrawn people, holding hands...we're talkin wispy limbs..good shading. an endearing illustration.

bubble thoughts over their heads:

her: should i dump him now

him: should i dump her now

byline: soulmates.

damn it, i laughed til i nearly convulsed.

saw pearl jam at the santa barbara bowl last night. we had such a good time...

the drive there was incredible all coastline and sunshine and minimal traffic. helped lucas shed his stressful skin and soon we were chatting and laughing like we do so well sans responsibility. stopped in lovely summerland just as we hit a small patch of traffic on the way into sb. a liquor sign caught my eye and soon we were nestled happily into an adorable bar aptly named 'the nugget' eating yummy sandwiches, conversing with the jovial debbie and nursing our adequately poured knob creek and cokes...all abuzz with the upcoming evening's musical promise.

we left the bar, picked up our own liquid refreshment to pound on the way in, and made our way to find parking. after a brisk hike up to the venue, a long wristband line, a quick frisk n search...we were in. just in time to catch the break between opening band and pj. now im not that big of a fan, but the tickets were a gift to lucas for his birthday a couple months ago. i had no expectation but to be his companion...but i cant say i didnt eventually sink into full on fanmode when they played all the favs, a couple i didnt recognize but that lucas loved and held me close while he sang...we watched the sun go down on santa barbara with the ocean in the distance and finally found two seats together after much wandering (our tix werent together and we didnt wanna seperate), made some friends, smoked some herb, and then cattled out of there to wander around and found our ride (i told him we would get lost)...

we finally got a lift from an antique limo/taxi and headed home in a bit of a fog, but gratefully the walk to find our car helped to lessen the liquor load a great deal...

all in all, i'd FULLY go see pearl jam again. great show, tight as hell tunes, and eddie sings oh he sings.

we're back to the bowl in a few weeks to catch ben harper and damien marley...good good seats this time and it couldn't be sooner...

yay for birthday gifts being good and workin out and all the lovely thank you's he whispered to me. what goodlove. what a good time.

becky*

the silence is disappearing, already
in my head i have let it go - each second
counted dilligence while i plan the next
and then slipping into void, into the hurried past
another day, another chance i missed
ignored, lost, surrendered
in order to loll about and sigh
and mutter annoyances at the quiet moving by.

spotted aftermath of too much everything. and too much to do after you're done doing everything. my cell phone battery is dead, and i know there are messages. from friends i do not call enough, from the littlehead, from my student loan working to get they money back.

and im just so fed up with my lack of ability to face and cope and answer and call back. i just want to go to bed. to the pub. to the spa. to the store. i want to vacuum and go swimming or watch movies or get some play.

i want to dig into boxes and make pretty things. i want to do all of these things and then i do not want to do ANYTHING at all.

such a quandry. such a goddam quandry.

i know i just need sleep. i know this, but i cant allow it. i'll just lie there and count the numbers on my list of to dos and things that do not get done. i'll count them and i'll get pissed at myself.

and i wont sleep.

becky*

somehow i have contracted conjunctivitis. snotty eyes are hott. and itchy. and kinda light sensitive.

oh yeah, did i mention i have to work today. this day of national holiday? yep. i sure do.

i spoze a bartender wearing sunglasses and washing her wrinkled hands every four seconds isnt that bad.

sigh.

becky*

wow man, its real hot here in the valley. had i the foresight to know that i would get two extra workfree hours tonight AND i was going to sleep through my business meeting this morning, i would have just hit the beach like any sane person would. but NEEEOOOHHHWWW.

im here sweating, ready for work two hours early, and blubbering up by the minute due to extreme beer consumption last night. damn.

i woke up this morning and could not resist the urge to peel my sunburned hubby's back into pure shredded glory. that still grosses me out, but the compulsion. oh the urges. i cannot begin to fight them.

speaking of gross, i have just simply left the housework to the gnomes and i suppose they are just as sloven and lazy as i am cuz this place = teh ruin. i guess i could use these two extra hours to put a dent in the sickness of it all.

yes, i will.

after i lay around for fifty five minutes wallowing in my beer belly...

and the heat of course.

becky*

sigh.

smitten again and again. i forget what you childless couples have. not that the fruits of motherhood are not worth the extra work...

but its damned awesome to be relaxed in this way.

becky*

i keep wondering just how to admit the depths to which my good judgment sunk this weekend, but there are no words.

pointedly, there are remnants of my misbehavior that keep surfacing. and of course, the wee memories that do sneak in from the pit of blackness that is afterwork shot taking w/o supervision..

but i resolve to simply pretend it didnt happen. only the chola in the barrio who saw me driving around at four am w/ my sunglasses on cuz i couldnt find my prescription glasses...holding my cell phone getting directions cuz i couldnt find my way home...knows just how dangerous i have become.

so yah, i mean...im drunk. been drunk. many times. i am lucky it all turned out safely and w/o legal incident. i suppose a chauffer is in order. or a stiff mandate on afterwork drinkin. thank god my honey is comin' home. he keeps me safe from myself.

in other news, two emergency vehicles just drove past my house alit. this is the second time in two nights...

i wonder who's dyin'.

bex*

knees

one of our good friends recently snapped not one but both his ACL tendons in his knees. after a week in county general, he is at our house taking his first shower - legs in swollen planks in front of him - in the bathroom in our bedroom. i have to wake up so freagin early tomorrow...

i suppose this is where my selfish side kicks in and my kind and caring friend side retreats.

blah, i'll lay in the spare bed and try to sleep, even if the hubs is out burning the midnight oil from both ends of the candle.

that and my ass muscles are sore for some bizarre and unknown reason.

yay for crotchety evenings!

i need some chips for my grouchamole.

becky*

i could try to remember to be as content and appreciative as i was today and i think life would be a heckload more enjoyable.

of course, im simply stoked to have been able to experience the moments i did...

im a little concerned with the idea that summer has hit and i havent planned about thirty different escapes into immaturity already...

getting DRUNK is no longer a goal, but a regret. staying out all night is something i keep secret, or blurt out in a fit of fatigue cuz im at work and im sipping a whiskey in a coffee mug so no one knows i have to in order to stay coherent...but still. sleep is gold and i hoard it like a little evil gnome with hairy knuckles and a bad cardigan. my gold. mine.

so yeah, i think...maybe its cuz im a mom. but dude, ive been a mom for ten years and i have had ten summers as a mom which included many a night of debauchery and shameless celebration. loud, repetitive, girl kissing celebration mind you.

so what's up with this?

i want to float on rafts and drink light beer so i dont get buzzed.
i want to paint walls and grill stuff.
i want to skip off and see bands play.
i want to host yard movies and visit family.

is that so wrong that im worried about it?

becky*

my gullet is full of veggie burger. my face break out now that im not on the damned pill. i wrote a really stupid song about my period. since no one reads this journal. im writing it here:

to the tune of simon and garfunkle's "sound of silence"

hello aunt flo my old friend
it seems you've stained my jeans again
because you're so goddam fleeting
i never know when i am bleeding

so next month, im avoiding this redhell
install a bell

ok i made that really lame last part up cuz here i am unable to just keep repeating the first verse OVER and OVER and OVER in my head...

cuz you know, i am my worst enemy and all.

becketh*

hormones.
thats it.

the computer holds nothing of interest. nothing new and exciting on the horizon. unfortunately. no travel. no hot sex. no parties. everything feels astress.

coffee, maybe.

good lord, just keep my head above the shit. i'll do the rest.

oh and make the shit kinda hot. cuz cold shit is nasty business.

becky*

i think i will be SO done celebrating lucas' birthday after his upteenth soiree tomorrow night. of course, i spilled the beans long ago re: this "surprise" party in a drunken sake fueled desperate moment of discovery...so now i feel silly hammering tikis into the ground and hanging twinkly lights and cleaning...

oh yeah, and did i mention my fucking parents are coming here this weekend too? and did i mention that i mentioned that now i have this huge house where there is a guest room and y'all come as often as y'all like? and did i mention that i have yet to get a guest bed? so i've cleansed my sheets on our bed in preparation for project futon fumble that i can outright predict is about to go down last minute...

just like every other "preparation" for this party.

good thing my friends is drunks. they wont notice, will they?

not to mention a faboo backyard for which they can plant their chairless asses on and LIKE IT. or swim. or whatever.

i love him, this is why i do this. right?

becky*

days off, good things.

woke up cantankerous and mean. had coffee. cried. prayed. did the right thing. felt better.

imagine that.

got to swim and also jacuzzi with the grom this evening. and now im going to make crab legs and grilled veggies and salad and love up my family and get ready to work tomorrow w/o feeling resentful. cuz work means money and work also means days off like this.

the friggin housekeeper didnt come today which means i'll have to do it. the horror! one week and already im spoiled? geez.

in other news, i have a new muscle in my thigh that really kinda scared me at first. its pretty pronounced and can probably be atributed to all the up and down hill action ive been getting lately...but at first i thought. oh god. my conjoined twin's finally emerging!

i think i will name him herbert.

with herbert's arrival, i have found myself even MORE inspired to walk/swim/not ingest all and every nearby grease imbalmed/alcoholic/gravy soaked/etc objects and to rather fuel myself with goodness and light.

like a mutha truckin' angel, here. pluck pluck.

ok. im off to be grateful some more.

oh yah, and we're hot on the landcunt's trail and i think she's scared.

becky*

our previous landlords took almost ninety percent of our deposit for outrageous reasons.

they will be sued.

as for now, broke city.

but i did manage to snag some seriously sweet concert tix for the hubs' birthday bonanza.

becky*

lucas is applying for jobs. big paying jobs. he's also seeking health insurance. you know, for us. the family. the family that is to be growing, so it seems.

damn breeders bringin' they spawn near my hubs. as much as i would love to have a baby with this man...i just cant get past the whole parasitic aspect of pregnancy/nursing.

i mean, at one point in my life...hell yah! what a gift! what a magical thing!

now?

im nearly slightly skeeved out by the thought of kicks in the tum and stretched out, milky nipples.

sigh.

best of both worlds, i think not.

but then i also think...hmm...knowing EXACTLY what im gonna do for NINE WHOLE MONTHS? sign me the eff up. mama needs a little focus roun' heah.

in other news, i have a bad self tan (still), i got some fantabulous birthday plans on the horizon for hubster, and as of today...i have a gazillion rubbers for which to impede the impending breed sess hubs has planned.

i should prolly walk the hound before he shits someplace.

becky*

this summer i will show movies in my backyard on white bedsheets and serve compatible snacks to movie titles...

like the breakfast club
the bueller kruller
ed macarooney torte
the scarface al capacino - har.

anyways.

sounds like fun.

becky*

i suppose i should document the level of goodness i felt today on a number of occasions. these immediate and all encompassing feelings of love. and this was before my coffee, thank you. just pure exhilaration and joy.

manic moment? maybe. (3 m's!) lord knows i am prone to extreme feelings...but.

as the hubs busily worked on changing the locks on all our doors with his sexy tool of power...and i cooked and cleaned and sighed out of my glorious kitchen window thinking...this is it. that which i have dreamed of for years...finally in a house that just do not want to leave ever, unless its to walk the hound up and down these lovely hills...i felt SO GOOD.

when we talked, and he revealed, and i comiserated or supported or gasped or laughed in all the right places...when our conversation just clicked and we mutually enjoyed one another's company...after almost eight years. well, i mean. thats love. thats exciting!

all of this after a nightmare about him having an affair with some chick. in my dream i had his phone in my hand just when an instant message beeped through from the screen name 'twosome'...and it said...see you soon. i love you.

from there it spiralled into the vivid hell that only my dreammind can create...and the emotional hurt it laid on me carried over into open eyed moments...and i pulled away from him in anger and spite this morning...and he loved me close in his soothing way and understood and told me sorry even though he didnt really *do* anything wrong...and then good love. another morning full of heat and hedonism.

cant complain.

so yeah. i love this evolution of trust and compassion and compromise and support.

i love this man. i love that we're healing one another and growing together...and that i hope. i HOPE that we can continue this for years to come...that my wandering eyes and escapist heart and untrusting logic will not overcome.

and i know that is why i had that dream. to tell me just how HORRIBLE i would feel if he wanted to leave me...how fucked i would be if i had acted on that twinge of mischief i felt talking to that supercute boy at the bar last night...how i considered his lips...his kiss. how i disregarded hubs at home for long enough to want something new.

my head is keeping me in check for a change.

but only just.

this is where it is. this is where i am.

i want him to come home now.

becky*

oh maturity. gimme a friggin' break already.

i silently, inmyhead(zombie), threw a babyfit when i didnt get anything for ME at ikea just now.
just a record shelf. which is cool, really. but notforme. so i hate it.

and when i admitted that i tend to put myself last and then resent him for letting me...he grabbed my hand, told me i was beautiful and thanked me profusely for not throwing a fit as per usual.

flattery is good, and FREE!

i drank margaritas for the first time in ages and they just made me so damned sleeepy.

tomorrow the freeworld ends and i become ma again. this is good, but scheduley. i like not scheduley. dinner no lunch. sleep no alarm. so on and so forth.

i think i'll mark the end of this era with twenty laps in the pool.

work off somma this sweet and sour. ole.

becky*

i have this little black book in my purse. actually i have two. i thought, hey...i get a lot of ideas and im no longer stationed in front of a computer due to bartending...i should have something i can scribble into so i dont forget my caffeinated musings. that gets quite frustrating.

it comes in handy, mostly. i have decided to write a book about the patrons in my pub...when i imagine it, it seems like a worthy read. interestingly enough, there are quite a few characters which frequent that pub. as a bartender, you get to overhear some pretty noteworthy comments.

so yeah. ideas.

another journal? do i really need *three*?

i suppose if only to keep in touch with those who have migrated away from the usual sites i frequent. or something new to play with. something fresh and free of any past limitations or lameness...a clean slate to soil and sunder with my profuse worries and wonders.

kickass.

i hate the word blog tho.

becky*