i suppose i should document the level of goodness i felt today on a number of occasions. these immediate and all encompassing feelings of love. and this was before my coffee, thank you. just pure exhilaration and joy.

manic moment? maybe. (3 m's!) lord knows i am prone to extreme feelings...but.

as the hubs busily worked on changing the locks on all our doors with his sexy tool of power...and i cooked and cleaned and sighed out of my glorious kitchen window thinking...this is it. that which i have dreamed of for years...finally in a house that just do not want to leave ever, unless its to walk the hound up and down these lovely hills...i felt SO GOOD.

when we talked, and he revealed, and i comiserated or supported or gasped or laughed in all the right places...when our conversation just clicked and we mutually enjoyed one another's company...after almost eight years. well, i mean. thats love. thats exciting!

all of this after a nightmare about him having an affair with some chick. in my dream i had his phone in my hand just when an instant message beeped through from the screen name 'twosome'...and it said...see you soon. i love you.

from there it spiralled into the vivid hell that only my dreammind can create...and the emotional hurt it laid on me carried over into open eyed moments...and i pulled away from him in anger and spite this morning...and he loved me close in his soothing way and understood and told me sorry even though he didnt really *do* anything wrong...and then good love. another morning full of heat and hedonism.

cant complain.

so yeah. i love this evolution of trust and compassion and compromise and support.

i love this man. i love that we're healing one another and growing together...and that i hope. i HOPE that we can continue this for years to come...that my wandering eyes and escapist heart and untrusting logic will not overcome.

and i know that is why i had that dream. to tell me just how HORRIBLE i would feel if he wanted to leave me...how fucked i would be if i had acted on that twinge of mischief i felt talking to that supercute boy at the bar last night...how i considered his lips...his kiss. how i disregarded hubs at home for long enough to want something new.

my head is keeping me in check for a change.

but only just.

this is where it is. this is where i am.

i want him to come home now.

becky*