wow man, its real hot here in the valley. had i the foresight to know that i would get two extra workfree hours tonight AND i was going to sleep through my business meeting this morning, i would have just hit the beach like any sane person would. but NEEEOOOHHHWWW.

im here sweating, ready for work two hours early, and blubbering up by the minute due to extreme beer consumption last night. damn.

i woke up this morning and could not resist the urge to peel my sunburned hubby's back into pure shredded glory. that still grosses me out, but the compulsion. oh the urges. i cannot begin to fight them.

speaking of gross, i have just simply left the housework to the gnomes and i suppose they are just as sloven and lazy as i am cuz this place = teh ruin. i guess i could use these two extra hours to put a dent in the sickness of it all.

yes, i will.

after i lay around for fifty five minutes wallowing in my beer belly...

and the heat of course.

becky*

sigh.

smitten again and again. i forget what you childless couples have. not that the fruits of motherhood are not worth the extra work...

but its damned awesome to be relaxed in this way.

becky*

i keep wondering just how to admit the depths to which my good judgment sunk this weekend, but there are no words.

pointedly, there are remnants of my misbehavior that keep surfacing. and of course, the wee memories that do sneak in from the pit of blackness that is afterwork shot taking w/o supervision..

but i resolve to simply pretend it didnt happen. only the chola in the barrio who saw me driving around at four am w/ my sunglasses on cuz i couldnt find my prescription glasses...holding my cell phone getting directions cuz i couldnt find my way home...knows just how dangerous i have become.

so yah, i mean...im drunk. been drunk. many times. i am lucky it all turned out safely and w/o legal incident. i suppose a chauffer is in order. or a stiff mandate on afterwork drinkin. thank god my honey is comin' home. he keeps me safe from myself.

in other news, two emergency vehicles just drove past my house alit. this is the second time in two nights...

i wonder who's dyin'.

bex*

knees

one of our good friends recently snapped not one but both his ACL tendons in his knees. after a week in county general, he is at our house taking his first shower - legs in swollen planks in front of him - in the bathroom in our bedroom. i have to wake up so freagin early tomorrow...

i suppose this is where my selfish side kicks in and my kind and caring friend side retreats.

blah, i'll lay in the spare bed and try to sleep, even if the hubs is out burning the midnight oil from both ends of the candle.

that and my ass muscles are sore for some bizarre and unknown reason.

yay for crotchety evenings!

i need some chips for my grouchamole.

becky*

i could try to remember to be as content and appreciative as i was today and i think life would be a heckload more enjoyable.

of course, im simply stoked to have been able to experience the moments i did...

im a little concerned with the idea that summer has hit and i havent planned about thirty different escapes into immaturity already...

getting DRUNK is no longer a goal, but a regret. staying out all night is something i keep secret, or blurt out in a fit of fatigue cuz im at work and im sipping a whiskey in a coffee mug so no one knows i have to in order to stay coherent...but still. sleep is gold and i hoard it like a little evil gnome with hairy knuckles and a bad cardigan. my gold. mine.

so yeah, i think...maybe its cuz im a mom. but dude, ive been a mom for ten years and i have had ten summers as a mom which included many a night of debauchery and shameless celebration. loud, repetitive, girl kissing celebration mind you.

so what's up with this?

i want to float on rafts and drink light beer so i dont get buzzed.
i want to paint walls and grill stuff.
i want to skip off and see bands play.
i want to host yard movies and visit family.

is that so wrong that im worried about it?

becky*

my gullet is full of veggie burger. my face break out now that im not on the damned pill. i wrote a really stupid song about my period. since no one reads this journal. im writing it here:

to the tune of simon and garfunkle's "sound of silence"

hello aunt flo my old friend
it seems you've stained my jeans again
because you're so goddam fleeting
i never know when i am bleeding

so next month, im avoiding this redhell
install a bell

ok i made that really lame last part up cuz here i am unable to just keep repeating the first verse OVER and OVER and OVER in my head...

cuz you know, i am my worst enemy and all.

becketh*

hormones.
thats it.

the computer holds nothing of interest. nothing new and exciting on the horizon. unfortunately. no travel. no hot sex. no parties. everything feels astress.

coffee, maybe.

good lord, just keep my head above the shit. i'll do the rest.

oh and make the shit kinda hot. cuz cold shit is nasty business.

becky*

i think i will be SO done celebrating lucas' birthday after his upteenth soiree tomorrow night. of course, i spilled the beans long ago re: this "surprise" party in a drunken sake fueled desperate moment of discovery...so now i feel silly hammering tikis into the ground and hanging twinkly lights and cleaning...

oh yeah, and did i mention my fucking parents are coming here this weekend too? and did i mention that i mentioned that now i have this huge house where there is a guest room and y'all come as often as y'all like? and did i mention that i have yet to get a guest bed? so i've cleansed my sheets on our bed in preparation for project futon fumble that i can outright predict is about to go down last minute...

just like every other "preparation" for this party.

good thing my friends is drunks. they wont notice, will they?

not to mention a faboo backyard for which they can plant their chairless asses on and LIKE IT. or swim. or whatever.

i love him, this is why i do this. right?

becky*

days off, good things.

woke up cantankerous and mean. had coffee. cried. prayed. did the right thing. felt better.

imagine that.

got to swim and also jacuzzi with the grom this evening. and now im going to make crab legs and grilled veggies and salad and love up my family and get ready to work tomorrow w/o feeling resentful. cuz work means money and work also means days off like this.

the friggin housekeeper didnt come today which means i'll have to do it. the horror! one week and already im spoiled? geez.

in other news, i have a new muscle in my thigh that really kinda scared me at first. its pretty pronounced and can probably be atributed to all the up and down hill action ive been getting lately...but at first i thought. oh god. my conjoined twin's finally emerging!

i think i will name him herbert.

with herbert's arrival, i have found myself even MORE inspired to walk/swim/not ingest all and every nearby grease imbalmed/alcoholic/gravy soaked/etc objects and to rather fuel myself with goodness and light.

like a mutha truckin' angel, here. pluck pluck.

ok. im off to be grateful some more.

oh yah, and we're hot on the landcunt's trail and i think she's scared.

becky*

our previous landlords took almost ninety percent of our deposit for outrageous reasons.

they will be sued.

as for now, broke city.

but i did manage to snag some seriously sweet concert tix for the hubs' birthday bonanza.

becky*

lucas is applying for jobs. big paying jobs. he's also seeking health insurance. you know, for us. the family. the family that is to be growing, so it seems.

damn breeders bringin' they spawn near my hubs. as much as i would love to have a baby with this man...i just cant get past the whole parasitic aspect of pregnancy/nursing.

i mean, at one point in my life...hell yah! what a gift! what a magical thing!

now?

im nearly slightly skeeved out by the thought of kicks in the tum and stretched out, milky nipples.

sigh.

best of both worlds, i think not.

but then i also think...hmm...knowing EXACTLY what im gonna do for NINE WHOLE MONTHS? sign me the eff up. mama needs a little focus roun' heah.

in other news, i have a bad self tan (still), i got some fantabulous birthday plans on the horizon for hubster, and as of today...i have a gazillion rubbers for which to impede the impending breed sess hubs has planned.

i should prolly walk the hound before he shits someplace.

becky*

this summer i will show movies in my backyard on white bedsheets and serve compatible snacks to movie titles...

like the breakfast club
the bueller kruller
ed macarooney torte
the scarface al capacino - har.

anyways.

sounds like fun.

becky*

i suppose i should document the level of goodness i felt today on a number of occasions. these immediate and all encompassing feelings of love. and this was before my coffee, thank you. just pure exhilaration and joy.

manic moment? maybe. (3 m's!) lord knows i am prone to extreme feelings...but.

as the hubs busily worked on changing the locks on all our doors with his sexy tool of power...and i cooked and cleaned and sighed out of my glorious kitchen window thinking...this is it. that which i have dreamed of for years...finally in a house that just do not want to leave ever, unless its to walk the hound up and down these lovely hills...i felt SO GOOD.

when we talked, and he revealed, and i comiserated or supported or gasped or laughed in all the right places...when our conversation just clicked and we mutually enjoyed one another's company...after almost eight years. well, i mean. thats love. thats exciting!

all of this after a nightmare about him having an affair with some chick. in my dream i had his phone in my hand just when an instant message beeped through from the screen name 'twosome'...and it said...see you soon. i love you.

from there it spiralled into the vivid hell that only my dreammind can create...and the emotional hurt it laid on me carried over into open eyed moments...and i pulled away from him in anger and spite this morning...and he loved me close in his soothing way and understood and told me sorry even though he didnt really *do* anything wrong...and then good love. another morning full of heat and hedonism.

cant complain.

so yeah. i love this evolution of trust and compassion and compromise and support.

i love this man. i love that we're healing one another and growing together...and that i hope. i HOPE that we can continue this for years to come...that my wandering eyes and escapist heart and untrusting logic will not overcome.

and i know that is why i had that dream. to tell me just how HORRIBLE i would feel if he wanted to leave me...how fucked i would be if i had acted on that twinge of mischief i felt talking to that supercute boy at the bar last night...how i considered his lips...his kiss. how i disregarded hubs at home for long enough to want something new.

my head is keeping me in check for a change.

but only just.

this is where it is. this is where i am.

i want him to come home now.

becky*

oh maturity. gimme a friggin' break already.

i silently, inmyhead(zombie), threw a babyfit when i didnt get anything for ME at ikea just now.
just a record shelf. which is cool, really. but notforme. so i hate it.

and when i admitted that i tend to put myself last and then resent him for letting me...he grabbed my hand, told me i was beautiful and thanked me profusely for not throwing a fit as per usual.

flattery is good, and FREE!

i drank margaritas for the first time in ages and they just made me so damned sleeepy.

tomorrow the freeworld ends and i become ma again. this is good, but scheduley. i like not scheduley. dinner no lunch. sleep no alarm. so on and so forth.

i think i'll mark the end of this era with twenty laps in the pool.

work off somma this sweet and sour. ole.

becky*

i have this little black book in my purse. actually i have two. i thought, hey...i get a lot of ideas and im no longer stationed in front of a computer due to bartending...i should have something i can scribble into so i dont forget my caffeinated musings. that gets quite frustrating.

it comes in handy, mostly. i have decided to write a book about the patrons in my pub...when i imagine it, it seems like a worthy read. interestingly enough, there are quite a few characters which frequent that pub. as a bartender, you get to overhear some pretty noteworthy comments.

so yeah. ideas.

another journal? do i really need *three*?

i suppose if only to keep in touch with those who have migrated away from the usual sites i frequent. or something new to play with. something fresh and free of any past limitations or lameness...a clean slate to soil and sunder with my profuse worries and wonders.

kickass.

i hate the word blog tho.

becky*

im guessing this is my first post...so many new programs to fiddle with, what the hay?